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Rock Tits Over Dummy Spits

honest parenting mental health modern motherhood mom life motherhood mum life PND

Whoever said the first 8 weeks are the hardest must have birthed an angel baby with mild colic or something, because in my opinion that is total bullshit.

The first 8 weeks are hard, I'm not denying that. For 9 months you've had this thing contained then all of a sudden you're being sent home from hospital with an extra human and it's like 'now what do I do?'. Your body is basically going in to shock getting used to your new routine of waking up very couple of hours. Your eyeballs are hanging out of your skull. Maybe your nipples feel like they've copped some serious road rash and your giant milk titties are spraying all over the joint. 

But for me, at least she was still. She was this tiny blob that would sleep for hours in a bassinet that you could plonk in the corner of the room. She'd spew constantly, but it didn't phase her. She wouldn't cry about it. She just shrugged it off and went back to sleep. You could vacuum the floor around her. Actually I'm pretty sure that was the last time my floors were clean. She actually slept better with background noise - the sound of the compressor or the industrial fan in the shed. She'd fall asleep in the car by the end of the street. Or on my chest. Or by the time I'd finished singing Incy Wincy Spider. She was the running joke at our parents group because it wasn't until the 4th week that anyone else saw her awake.

Shit started changing from the moment she started to crawl and it's become progressively harder from there. But having a 2 year old is legitimately the hardest thing I've done in my life. It doesn't help that I've got a billion other things going on but I'm pretty sure she gets a lot of pleasure out of watching me break.

Here's a few reasons why having a 2 year old is far harder than having a newborn:
1. She doesn't stay still. She's actually worked out how to unlock the screen door and can do the bolt.
2. Silence doesn't mean she's sleeping peacefully. It means she's totally fucking shit up with a texta or something else equally as terrifying.
3. She still wakes up every single night but now she doesn't nap at all during the day.
4. She eats real food. But not the food that I give her.
5. She's learned words like 'no' and 'mine' and 'wake up, mummy' and uses them frequently. She also started saying this word the other day when I picked her up from daycare - "uhvah". I haven't worked out what she's trying to say yet but the way she uses it I'm pretty sure she means "get fucked" or something to that effect.
6. She's really good at leaving a trail of destruction everywhere she goes and undoing any sort of cleaning I get done.
7. And she can be really sassy, horrible or violent. Sometimes she might kick, hit and bite me when she doesn't want to do something. Or the other day she just gave me an epic death stare and spat on the floor in front of her. What the fuck is that about? How offensive is that!

After pushing me to my absolute wits end the other I tried one last bribe to get her to pick up the pencils that she'd thrown across the room. "Pick up your pencils and you can have the last piece of cake". I honestly would have asked her to pick up her pencils at least 50 times before this but I thought one last bribe might work. After she refused for the last time I just sat there and made her watch me eat the last piece of cake. Here's me, a grown ass 30 year old woman, saying fuck you to a two year old by cake torture. 

Basically the only thing that’s helping keep my shit together at the moment is looking forward to the half an hour I get every 3 weeks to go and have my nails done and also the fact that I've got some mum mates with the same feelings about two year olds. I'm glad I'm not the only one losing my shit or the only one that yells at my kids when she pushes me too far. It's nice to be able to vent to each other about just how fucked motherhood can be. How unprepared we really are. How totally delusional we used to be thinking 'my kid won't be watching any screens' and how we now yell things like 'stop playing with that and watch the television' just so we can get a break.

Having a 2 year old is just basically a huge lesson in eating your own words and figuring out how to look after yourself as an adult all over again. 


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  • Sonya on

    Goodness Tesha you make me laugh. I’m sure my neighbours can hear me across the street. My favourite bit: torture cake. Thankyou for sharing, even though it is at the expense of your own suffering. I’m currently half way along expecting our first and i can’t help but feel like we’ll end up with ‘a little terror’ just as i was in order for some sort of payback for my poor mum. She still says to this day “gosh you were amazing…but you gave me hell”. It’s only fair that i cop it. She’s an incredibly strong woman. Sounds like you have the same resilience. Thankyou so much for sharing your world with us. I love seeing your posts. As they say no pain no gain….and Frank is without a doubt one incredible kid. Good onya mum. X

  • Ket on

    Freaking love this post!


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